The Three Goldilockses (and the Three Bears)

It is not a tale a Grimm would tell you.

Once upon a time, there were three little girls with hair of blonde. Their parents named them Prima, Anetta, and Ultima, but everyone called them the three little Goldilockses. One day, the wind was blowing, the sun was shining, and the three little Goldilockses answered the call to adventure.

“Goodbye Mother, goodbye Father,” they said. “We must leave and seek our fortunes.” Their mother and father waved goodbye, then stepped inside to renovate the girls’ bedroom into an office, or perhaps a sewing room.

After some time, the three little Goldilockses came upon a great heap of beds beside the path. There were Alaskan King-Sized beds, wee little trundle beds, and every size between. Some beds remained unmade, others were tightly tucked in, and some were covered with goose down comforters. A massive mound of pillows topped each bed.

Prima looked at her sisters. “I must stop here. I’ve always wanted to live in a pillow fort, and what better source of pillows than this? Please stay with me and share my dream!”

But the other Goldilockses declined; for Anetta was allergic to goose feathers, and Ultima preferred blanket forts. They hugged their sister and continued on their way. Prima began stacking pillows.

Eventually the path wound past a strange meadow filled with furniture. The two little Goldilockses looked. It was all rocking chairs. There were Japanese cane backs, European gliders with sumptuous velvet cushions, and roughhewn pine chairs with no cushions at all. Anetta clapped her hands.

“Oh! I have always loved rocking chairs. I will stay, and build my house. Will you join me?”

Ultima shook her head. She had no love of chairs, and dreamed of a different type of house entirely. So, she bid Anetta a farewell and continued on her way, leaving the middle Goldilocks sister to stack seats by herself.

~~~

In the meantime, Prima had completed her pillow fort. She stooped beneath the sagging ceiling, admiring her work, when she heard the faint sound of someone knocking on the pillow door. She crouch-walked to the window and looked outside.

There stood three bears. Papa, Mama, and wee little Baby Bear. Papa Bear turned and looked at Prima through the window. “Goldilocks, Goldilocks, let me come in,” he said.

“Yeah, no,” said Prima.

“Alright, we’ll do this the hard way,” Papa bear replied. He raised his paw and swatted the pillow house. The whole thing collapsed. When the dust and feathers settled, the bears looked around for Prima. But she was already running down the path to find her sisters.

Prima ran until she came upon a big jumble of wooden furniture sitting beside the path. She had no time for questions. “Help, Help, the three bears are after me!” she cried.

Anetta popped her head out of the stacked furniture. It was her house of chairs. “Prima, get in here!”

“Are you sure there’s room for two?” Prima asked.

“Of course, I’m sure. I’m the chairwoman of this project,” Anetta struck a girl-boss pose. With Prima inside, she went to slam the door of her rocking chair house. Then Anetta realized her house had no door. It was just a pile of chairs with a hollow in the center. As the sisters shared a worried expression, the ground rumbled. The three bears were coming.

Soon, Papa, Mama, and Baby bear stood in front of the ramshackle chair house. Papa Bear was not sure where to knock. “Goldilocks, Goldilocks, let us come… in?” He asked. There was no answer. The bears waited in silence. Finally, Papa bear grew impatient. He growled, and swatted the chair pile with one enormous paw.

The big pile of chairs teetered, and tumbled, and fell, clattering like a wooden avalanche. When the sawdust settled, the bears looked around. The Goldilockses weren’t there.

“Look,” Baby Bear cried. He pointed down the road, at two little girls running away, fast as they could.

The two little Goldilockses’s energy was fading. The light was fading, too. The air grew colder. Suddenly, the girls saw the strangest thing of all.

It was a charming two-story house with a chimney smoking away. But the walls, the door, and the roof looked rough and bulgy. The entire house was moist and slowly bubbling. As they stood staring, the front door opened with a glurp. “About time you got here,” a voice said. “Come in!” It was Ultima Goldilocks.

They stepped inside. It was cheerful inside, and the temperature just right. But the floors, walls and ceilings had that same wet and bulgy look as the outside.

“Ultima, what wet and bubbling walls you have,” said Prima and Anetta.

“Oh, yeah,” Ultima said, “it’s made of porridge.” She walked to her stove and turned the burners to MAXIMUM. Flames licked at the bottom of a giant bubbling stockpot. A series of pipes led from the stockpot to the walls, ceiling, and floor. The house grew warmer and warmer.

A heavy paw knocked on the front door. The bears had arrived.

“Come on girls, it’s time,” Ultima said. She led her sisters out through the back door. The sun was down, the night air cool on their skin. Prima and Anetta froze in their tracks. In the shadows stood a giant wolf.

The wolf locked eyes with Ultima. “Now!” she cried. The big, bad wolf nodded. He huffed, he puffed, he walked up to the piping hot house of porridge, and blew with all his might.

A great and sticky tsunami of scalding porridge rained down upon the three bears. It clung to their fur like a crab and it stung like a swarm of bees. The bears roared and howled and bellowed, and fled away as fast as their bear feet could go.

As the bears ran off (never to be seen again) Ultima smiled at the Big Bad Wolf. He held out an open hand. “There’s still my fee,” he said. Ultima handed a slip of paper to the wolf. He unfolded it and read, lips moving silently. Then he tucked the paper into his back pocket. “Grandma’s house, huh?”

“Might come in handy,” Ultima Goldilocks replied.

The wolf nodded and walked away. As he left, Prima and Anetta stared at each other. They were happy to be alive; but they were far from home, and the night was getting darker. “Don’t worry,” Ultima said, “I found the perfect house earlier today. It even has three beds.”

So the three little Goldilockses sisters moved into the vacant house, and from then on, everything was just right.

The End.